Making Peace II: Clarity.
This isn’t how
I saw the story ending. My faith is unwavering. This isn’t how our story ends,
its how it begins.
I was right, things were different this time. I was different this time. I knew what I wanted,
I was certain. Seth and I were good and did everything a normal couple would
do. However we still weren’t a couple. I loved him too much to the point it
blocked out my logical side. I wasn’t sure this situation was healthy for me.
Over the last
couple of weeks we had gone out together and just generally enjoyed each other.
We were great together. I wished were together. It was like Seth was the only
one unable to see how great we were with each other and around each other. We
got just each other. Even our sense of humor was the same. It was like we were
the same person. Maybe he just refused to see it. At this point it seemed like he was forcing himself to be set in his ways. Maybe to prove a point, I don’t
know.
The night that
brought clarity was like any other night. We had gone out drinking, and now we
were back at his place listening to music. We were cuddled in bed when I
decided to ask the question that had been bothering me. “What’s wrong with me?”
He looked at me and laughed, making a joke about not knowing what my mental
health state was. I clarified the question, asking him what was so wrong with
me that he didn’t want to be with me. I had to know. He explained that there
wasn’t anything wrong, he just didn’t see himself being with me, he didn't see a future with me. I wasn’t the
one. My heart broke, but I smiled. I was in love with him, but he wasn’t in
love with me. Clarity. A part of me felt I owed myself an apology. I had prayed
and I had faith that God was working on my prayer requests but there and then I
decided to do what was best for me and move on. Of course I trusted Gods
process but I had to remove myself from an unhealthy situation first.
I can’t really
explain the depth of my love for Seth but I’ll try. I loved him with everything
I have and everything I am. I had prayed everyday and night for him and about
him. I had asked God to put me in his heart, for me to be the one. I needed him
to draw closer to God. I needed God to constantly protect him and his family.
No harm would come to the man I loved. He had no clue how pure and how deep.
Its like he was imbued in my heart. His joy brought me joy.
He once asked
me what it was I got from him, seeing as he didn’t offer me anything emotionally or
financially. What he didn’t understand was how pure my love was. Love isn’t about
getting something it’s about giving. It’s about wanting to see and helping the
other person grow and flourish, and if they let you, grow alongside them. He just
didn’t see what I saw. He didn’t understand.
“And now
these three remain:
FAITH,
HOPE AND LOVE.
But the
greatest of these is LOVE.”
-1
Corinthians 13:13
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