T.

T.

Perfection is defined in the dictionary as the process of improving something until it is faultless. He wasn't perfect. But he was perfection.

As thoughts of him swirled around my mind, all I could think of was his smell, his touch and his voice. I never knew humans could come perfectly made. He was the embodiment of perfection. He was my muse, my Ribenna.

This is a perspective told with truth and without conviction. We both did our share of damage. I was who I was and he was who he was.

Growing up I had always found it hard to let go of things, material things, relationships, anything I saw as mine was to remain mine until I said otherwise. Looking back I shouldn’t have claimed him as mine, he never was. I couldn’t see or understand how perfection couldn’t belong to me.

You see, the world views broken things as damaged, to be discarded. Useless. But I see beauty, possible growth, something new. Cliché I know. But it’s true. I saw my Ribenna as that. Although I suppose he is no longer my Ribenna, nor was he ever. I guess in some ways I always knew, but it didn’t change the way I loved him. All consuming, nothing else mattered. Thing about loving him was in as much as it was wonderful, it was also addictive, blinding, suffocating and ugly. Losing him felt like walking for what felt like eternity in the worst thunderstorm and my world was grey. It felt like chewing gum and biting your inner cheeks. It felt like screaming without any sound. It felt like being hit in the chest with a thousand soccer balls. It felt cold. And I couldn’t breathe for so long.

In order for me to let go of him I had to accept certain truths. I’d like to believe I have grown and now understand my own toxicity in certain events that led to where we were. Painful, but true. I can still smell him if I concentrate hard enough. He was larger than life. I had to accept that I loved him. I had to accept that I hurt him. And worst of all I have to accept we just weren’t meant to be. Our story just wasn't to be. After all, he is who he is and I am who I am. I miss you. Time to let go.

What is perfection to you? Some might say the perfect cup of coffee, others would tell you looking at a shiny new gadget. To me, it was T.

I love you.

- Changes by XXXTentacion