Making Peace II: Clarity.

Making Peace II: Clarity.

     This isn’t how I saw the story ending. My faith is unwavering. This isn’t how our story ends, its how it begins.

     I was right, things were different this time. I was different this time. I knew what I wanted, I was certain. Seth and I were good and did everything a normal couple would do. However we still weren’t a couple. I loved him too much to the point it blocked out my logical side. I wasn’t sure this situation was healthy for me.

     Over the last couple of weeks we had gone out together and just generally enjoyed each other. We were great together. I wished were together. It was like Seth was the only one unable to see how great we were with each other and around each other. We got just each other. Even our sense of humor was the same. It was like we were the same person. Maybe he just refused to see it. At this point it seemed like he was forcing himself to be set in his ways. Maybe to prove a point, I don’t know.

     The night that brought clarity was like any other night. We had gone out drinking, and now we were back at his place listening to music. We were cuddled in bed when I decided to ask the question that had been bothering me. “What’s wrong with me?” He looked at me and laughed, making a joke about not knowing what my mental health state was. I clarified the question, asking him what was so wrong with me that he didn’t want to be with me. I had to know. He explained that there wasn’t anything wrong, he just didn’t see himself being with me, he didn't see a future with me. I wasn’t the one. My heart broke, but I smiled. I was in love with him, but he wasn’t in love with me. Clarity. A part of me felt I owed myself an apology. I had prayed and I had faith that God was working on my prayer requests but there and then I decided to do what was best for me and move on. Of course I trusted Gods process but I had to remove myself from an unhealthy situation first.

     I can’t really explain the depth of my love for Seth but I’ll try. I loved him with everything I have and everything I am. I had prayed everyday and night for him and about him. I had asked God to put me in his heart, for me to be the one. I needed him to draw closer to God. I needed God to constantly protect him and his family. No harm would come to the man I loved. He had no clue how pure and how deep. Its like he was imbued in my heart. His joy brought me joy.

     He once asked me what it was I got from him, seeing as he didn’t offer me anything emotionally or financially. What he didn’t understand was how pure my love was. Love isn’t about getting something it’s about giving. It’s about wanting to see and helping the other person grow and flourish, and if they let you, grow alongside them. He just didn’t see what I saw. He didn’t understand.

“And now these three remain:

FAITH, HOPE AND LOVE.

But the greatest of these is LOVE.”

-1 Corinthians 13:13