DESPAIR

HEALING?

Last night I died 4 times. And each time it was you who killed me. Death has no permanence over my ever-wilting stare. My breath heavy as though I am being dragged to the bottom of the ocean. An ocean filled with tears I cried. I wish I could reach into your heart and see my name engraved there, like an ever-permanent scar. I wish I could tie our lungs as one, so we breathe the same air. I’m lost in a mess of a whirlpool, spinning right out of control. My eyes are red, and my soul is dark, tainted by your touch. “Free me from this turmoil” I scream silently into my heart while gasping for air. Everything seems hard and everywhere seems like nowhere. 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. I count my tears till they fill a jar. 5.. 6.. 7.. 8… the amount of times I cry before noon. I lay awake at night picturing you, your laugh, your smile, and my heart breaks in a new way. Funny I have not seen you in my dreams lately, I seem to be doing a good job blocking you out subconsciously. I yearn for nighttime so I can drift off to endless nothing and forget I exist here.

My hands quiver at the sound of your name and my tummy turns at the sight of your face. Your beautiful face. I roam about now in a constant daze, as though the light has been punched right out of me. I have no fight left; I gave all I have to you. I gave all I am to you. I have nothing and nothing holds significance. I stare out into the sky and I see nothing, everything seems blurry. No one can drag me from these depths of despair, I have sunk to the bottom and I wish to live here. I miss my hands in yours, I miss your arms around me. I fear that I might not heal from this. I cry silently as I die for the 1^st time today.

Do you feel it - Chaos Chaos Do you feel it